oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
