i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
Randomize
