The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
We role played last night. I was Brandon Inge and she was some slut from Toledo. Let's just say Triple A might not be so disappointing after all.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
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