And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
They left me at home... I'm a liability
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
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