I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
i drank out of a bidet.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
Randomize
