Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize
