Old men and throwing up are my life now.
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
In other news, I just burned my penis
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
Randomize
