Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
Randomize
