Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
She was wearing a "Got Beer" hat and your bed had necco wafers all over it the next morning. Another story for the grandkids.
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
