All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
If you can't do the LSAT hung over. You can't do the LSAT. That's the real practice.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
