I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
Dude, I don't think I'll ever be able to find a girl for me...
Is this the gay conversation?
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
Randomize
