Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Randomize
