You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
