I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
I was just dry heaving outside of the Chem building when a guided tour walked by. Welcome to the Maritimes kids...
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
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