so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Randomize
