I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
Randomize
