No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
Randomize
