Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Randomize
