his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
Help me help you realize you are a moron
Randomize
