I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize
