I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
