If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Randomize
