She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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