she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
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