mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Randomize