i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
