the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
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