I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
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