I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
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