took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
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