I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Randomize
