Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
Ya I guess if we compared our actions now with our actions 2 years ago. We are definitely in a constant state of shit showness.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
You were trust falling into bushes
we're so committed to being not committed
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Randomize
