Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
By connection do you mean me drunkenly grinding my ass on his lap for an extended period of time? If so, then yes, we had a "connection"
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Randomize
