everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
