I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
I need a hoe opinion
go on
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