dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
Randomize
