So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
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