i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
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