that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Randomize
