I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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