we were pretty classy up until the second keg
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
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