So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
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