literally had 100 drinks last night.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
So I used the "I've never cummed from a BJ before" line last night.
And that worked?
9 for 9! Not only does it give them a goal but they have a sense of accomplishment afterwards.
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
