Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
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