I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
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