the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
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