She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
So theres a slight possibility i may not graduate according to planned because i was out getting laid instead of studying. And im okay with that.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
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