i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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