I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
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