Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
Good luck! Who knows he might be a stallion in the bedroom! or it could be like having sex with a crayon.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
Whatevss it will be funn .. Hopefully no one projectile vomits on the wall again.. Its kinda become a tradition though
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
