so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Randomize
