I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
