I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
Randomize
